Tuesday, May 1, 2018

To The Mountain.

After he died, the rest of my life and environment was consumed by an avalanche of grief. 
Every word and interaction felt threatening and harmful. While the intention may not have been so, I could not interpret this foreign language of love and concern..

The only solace was within the boundaries I began to establish toward those whom I called Friends, and Family. 

Upon doing so, my eyes were opened to my own misgivings and failures. My new found perspective became daunting. Every process became cathartic. Every time I closed my eyes, I was afraid of not seeing the sun again. I was embraced by the cold vacuum of fear and doubt. My insecurity became a hollow beacon that forced me into seeing a harsh and cold reality that I had perpetuated. 

I was a projection of everyone Else's ideas about who I should be. Or who I perceived myself to be through their eyes..


Each demon growing stronger and stronger as hours, and days progressed. 

Grief was the gateway to my truth. 

Grief was the reaper of my losses. 

    I thought I lost the purest parts of myself within this deep chasm of depression. 

It took several strangers to awaken the numb limbs attached to my body. 


    I miss you. 
I wish it could have been a different road that lead me to find my truth. 
Your death was the storm that washed away the facade of what I thought was my reality. 

I never wanted to hurt the people who helped me get here. 

In the last year, or in the last decade. 

   It will take a long time to repair and make amends to those people. 

I will have to trust and follow the path that leads me to healing. 

I will have to accept that not everyone will be ready to hear or heal. 

  I have to forgive myself for what I have left in my wake. 


Monday, September 21, 2015

art is subjective

A gallery of faces and not a name to remember.

You place your finger to your lips and look into their countenance.

Your index erect as your thoughts and desires.

Are you working or walking?

You pause, at the pallid and cool spritely expression.

Your gaze wanders to me, and question so much without words.

"How did I never know this?"

A museum of memories and not a future to unfold.

You heave a sigh, and move along.

Just like the other nameless ones.

The gallery is empty.

I never bought a painting after that.

Sunday, August 2, 2015

Friday, May 8, 2015


I felt the warmth first, and then as I woke I felt a hand over my mouth.
This was a man's voice, and all I could see was the silhouette of his head looming over me.
Hand firmly gripped over my mouth, close to my nose, but not enough that I couldn't breathe..
He was holding me still. It felt like his other hand was on my shoulder and his knee was pressed into my hip.

My eyes looked around him at the ceiling, faintly making sense of the room I was in.
A small amount of light came from the window, but it wasn't enough to let me see his face.
I heard a scratching from somewhere else in the room. Three scrapes against the paint, and that's when I saw the face behind him.

Shadowed. Hollow.

Red eyes looking down upon both of us.

Then the red eyes quickly grew larger and that was when I realized it was coming down on us.

And I woke.

Tuesday, April 21, 2015


The world used to write secret thoughts in diaries and journals and get upset when people read them. 

Now we write secret thoughts in blogs and online publications and get upset when people don’t read them. 


I left you with 
saltwater on my shirt
in a hurried day of which I knew
There would be no turning back
No fixing a little bump or scrape
I was already checked out and cold
My knees were weak, and I just wanted to touch you
The light was fading
Dimming and making me question myself
Squinting at the clouds overhead
wishing it would rain
so you couldn't see the monsoon inside
but you could always feel that part of me
and this is why you gracefully bowed out
why you knew that I was broken
It was never about money
but I welcomed the favors and the mention
I spent today thinking I would see you
I spent yesterday doing the same
I dreamt of nothing, wishing you were there
Open and honest
We were always right
Always sensing what the other would not speak
I cried alone
Days upon days not knowing where I was driving
Listening to the music you gave me
Finding a desire to hear you speak
feeling your lips touch my ear
Putting the phone to my face and putting it down
Never dialing
Giving you space
I wandered the desert
Holding myself against mountains
Remembering your warmth
Kicking up dust and throwing rocks
Escaping to California
I have become a siren
Calling them into my song
Yet more human, because of you
Everything reminds me of you
This city has echoes of us
I find myself walking
in the same route we always did
Sometimes I wish I could find a different one
Sometimes I just don't think about it
I picture you with my guitar
Incense burning
Entertaining someone who deserves you
while I am in North Carolina
Remembering my father
Talking to my mother
standing under a waterfall alone
hiding the waterfall inside
Americano iced
everything but the kitchen sink
I love you
see you soon?