Friday, April 6, 2012

I am getting so excited for my motorcycle classes to begin, and to start traveling across the desert on my new(not yet purchased) ride.

I remember when I first saw a photo of my older half-brother Edsel Jr- he had a motorcycle. I thought it was the most incredible thing. EVER.


*squeal*

Moving forward. My job is draining beyond measure, but there is some talk about management and ways to make that less of a potential thing and more of a solid idea. I have been working so hard at being an ideal candidate, and I will be sorely disappointed if that does not come to fruition. Suffice it to say, that this currently pays the bills and I have nothing to be unhappy about. I am very blessed to have a job so close to my home (Less than 2 miles), and it is one of the busiest places in the state of Arizona for our company.

The sunshine out here has truly changed my life. Maybe it seems like a simple change in climate, but to me the constant sunlight and warmer weather has made me feel like a better person. When I read back through old journal entries, I find myself clinging to sadness amidst the winter season, and wishing for DEATH. Now that I've been here through the holidays and the "cold" I really don't feel as if it will phase me ever again. Would I ever consider moving to another state that has a change of seasons, or a country for that matter? No. Probably not. I was born in Florida, lived near the ocean on Merritt Island, and used to cry when the moon came out. Sunshine sustains me, and keeps me happy.

John and I are doing fantastic. Either that or I have been overexposed to vitamin D from all the sunlight... ha ha.
No really- I could not be more content with another human being. He accepts all of my faults, and makes me more aware of my positive attributes. Something I have NEVER once had in a partner.
When I really look back at my life on the east coast, and all of the things I went through:

I realize that I was never a whole person. I was always missing some aspect of myself. Or there was something about my life and my current state of mind that I didn't appreciate or love. I tried to re-emerge as this newly sober, peace, love, and happiness hippie freak. It wasn't completely real, except for the sobriety, and the fact that I really WAS trying to attain inner peace and find love in all things and myself. I remember things that people said to me back home. How mad everyone was at me for cutting them out of my life. For taking on this whole crazy experience and only thinking about myself.

Do I regret it? Nope.

Am I sorry? Yes.

Sometimes.

Every person in your life is a building block to a greater you.
The people we attract almost symbolize the very essence of of the pieces we are searching for within ourselves.

I had so many people around me and in my life before I turned 21. I was so desperately trying to find myself. Doxie told me once that she noticed when she first met me how I was always doing something destructive to myself, and that I was obviously lost. Very wise and intelligent, but very lost. Hearing things like that made so much sense. I always thought I was ahead of the game and all the things I did to myself and my body wouldn't catch up with me. It was a classic case of being young, stupid, and feeling invincible. I also didn't take into consideration that the people in my life weren't invincible to my biting remarks, and wishy washy emotions. I hope someday they can forgive me, and that they find genuine happiness in all they pursue.

After my 23rd birthday I had nothing but alcoholics and verbally abusive people back in my life. I flip-flopped. Then within that same year- I stopped it all. Started over, and began things on a clean(er) slate.

Lots of weird dates. Plenty of strange nights by myself. Deciding if music was a worthwhile career (again...) Deciding about college, where I wanted to live, etc... blah blah blah. I feel like the two years after my 23rd birthday were all decisions and steps to a higher purpose. My open mic nights were really successful after I began them in 2008 at my old job. The first one spread into a second one down the street. I was making upwards of $3500.00 a week. Holy wow- my life was amazing and I could do whatever the hell I wanted. Then my car accident happened. Then my boyfriend cheated. Then this, then that, then it all just fell into what I thought was SHIT.

In retrospect, it all really wasn't that bad. I created a large community of artists and musicians who were dedicated to honing their craft. I planted a seed of creativity and change that Ann Arbor needed.

When the Motor City Vaudeville Review happened to me, and when I say "It happened" I mean that. It was this whole other experience in learning about myself, and the things and people in my life. I had a new perspective on my old friends that I had abandoned, and I had a new perspective on myself. It was then that I realized a good portion of the loving people who were in that show, always saw the potential in me to create good. To create art. In any form. My mother still says to this day that the MCVR show was the best show she has witnessed in her life. It was a new reality. A new world for people to absorb. Maybe I just think it's magical and more splendid because I was in it, but it really created a lot of changes in my life, and a few people close to me.

My friend Meranda uprooted herself and ran away with the circus to Detroit after that show. My friend Ryan started dating this girl sandra, and now after being together for a couple years they are getting married. My mother quit her job, and began pursuing more schooling and a job that put her more at home for my brothers and their education. After her car accident, and a really tumultuous six months of uprooting my life, losing everything I worked so hard for, and going bat-shit crazy... My mother and I repaired bits and pieces of our fucked up relationship, and she told me for the first time in my life that she was proud of me, and the way I "raised my brothers to be such respectful and intelligent young men." My mother gave ME credit for taking care of the kids... I cannot give myself a pat on the back, because I did it out of love. I suffered from it- but I know deep down within myself that I would do anything for them, because they are an extension of myself and my life.

There is so much amazing energy and light in every place I go now.

Yes, there is still a lot of sadness. There is still a lot of pain.

Sometimes I sit here, like I am right now at 2:30am and I feel a bit alone, but I know it is temporary.

I am really excited to get my motorcycle.

here's my to do list for 2012:

1. Go to the four corners
2. drive my bike to Los Angeles
3. Take a train across the USA.
4. Get a management position
5. Continue to teach and open myself spiritually
6. To be on the local news (for something amazing)
7. To learn more about my cherokee background
8. Love
9. And love some more.

Even if I am typing it for myself- I am truly sorry and I forgive all the hurt I allowed myself to endure.
I forgive and release myself of all the anger and frustration I took out on other people.
I sever and cut the ties of bad energy I have mixed into the lives of other people who were only trying to help.

I am sorry, and I have learned my lesson(s). And I hope to learn more.


I hope one day I can re-connect with the people who crossed my mind while writing.

I know that if it is meant to be, it will be put into place.


When I was 21 years old- I was going to write a book called "21 and in Limbo" - Now I could write a book called, "21 was nothing compared to Limbo and back"

:-)

-z-