tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-69292879580996597952024-03-18T22:01:35.854-07:00Nobis Pacem...zachariahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09609952899802742758noreply@blogger.comBlogger36125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6929287958099659795.post-28359329677860411532018-05-01T17:18:00.000-07:002018-05-01T17:18:03.956-07:00To The Mountain.<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">After he died, the rest of my life and environment was consumed by an avalanche of grief. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Every word and interaction felt threatening and harmful. While the intention may not have been so, I could not interpret this foreign language of love and concern..</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">The only solace was within the boundaries I began to establish toward those whom I called Friends, and Family. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Upon doing so, my eyes were opened to my own misgivings and failures. My new found perspective became daunting. Every process became cathartic. Every time I closed my eyes, I was afraid of not seeing the sun again. I was embraced by the cold vacuum of fear and doubt. My insecurity became a hollow beacon that forced me into seeing a harsh and cold reality that I had perpetuated. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I was a projection of everyone Else's ideas about who I should be. Or who I perceived myself to be through their eyes..</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Addiction.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Denial. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Lies. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Deception. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Betrayal. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Each demon growing stronger and stronger as hours, and days progressed. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Grief was the gateway to my truth. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Grief was the reaper of my losses. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"> I thought I lost the purest parts of myself within this deep chasm of depression. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">It took several strangers to awaken the numb limbs attached to my body. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Therapy.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Decompression.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Admission.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Repentance. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Forgiveness. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"> I miss you. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I wish it could have been a different road that lead me to find my truth. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Your death was the storm that washed away the facade of what I thought was my reality. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I never wanted to hurt the people who helped me get here. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">In the last year, or in the last decade. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"> It will take a long time to repair and make amends to those people. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I will have to trust and follow the path that leads me to healing. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I will have to accept that not everyone will be ready to hear or heal. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"> I have to forgive myself for what I have left in my wake. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">-z</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<br />
<br /></div>
zachariahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09609952899802742758noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6929287958099659795.post-53723918609100428632015-09-23T13:20:00.002-07:002015-09-23T13:21:49.097-07:00Calendar -- <div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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zachariahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09609952899802742758noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6929287958099659795.post-28151603761664823762015-09-21T02:59:00.002-07:002015-09-21T02:59:26.844-07:00art is subjective<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">A gallery of faces and not a name to remember.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">You place your finger to your lips and look into their countenance.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Your index erect as your thoughts and desires.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Are you working or walking?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">You pause, at the pallid and cool spritely expression.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Your gaze wanders to me, and question so much without words.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"How did I never know this?"</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">A museum of memories and not a future to unfold.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">You heave a sigh, and move along.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Just like the other nameless ones.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The gallery is empty.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I never bought a painting after that.</span><br />
<br />
<br />
<br /></div>
zachariahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09609952899802742758noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6929287958099659795.post-84715997482571714022015-08-02T20:57:00.001-07:002015-08-02T20:57:10.439-07:00Your Mom is a CrackWhore. <div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Here's a story, about a lonely baby...<br />
<br />
He died.<br />
<br />
The End. </div>
zachariahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09609952899802742758noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6929287958099659795.post-16605527814629580792015-05-08T22:04:00.002-07:002015-05-08T22:04:17.329-07:00face<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
I felt the warmth first, and then as I woke I felt a hand over my mouth.<br />
"Shhh!"<br />
This was a man's voice, and all I could see was the silhouette of his head looming over me.<br />
Hand firmly gripped over my mouth, close to my nose, but not enough that I couldn't breathe..<br />
He was holding me still. It felt like his other hand was on my shoulder and his knee was pressed into my hip.<br />
Frozen.<br />
<br />
My eyes looked around him at the ceiling, faintly making sense of the room I was in.<br />
A small amount of light came from the window, but it wasn't enough to let me see his face.<br />
I heard a scratching from somewhere else in the room. Three scrapes against the paint, and that's when I saw the face behind him.<br />
<br />
Shadowed. Hollow.<br />
<br />
Red eyes looking down upon both of us.<br />
<br />
Then the red eyes quickly grew larger and that was when I realized it was coming down on us.<br />
<br />
<br />
And I woke.<br />
<br />
<br /></div>
zachariahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09609952899802742758noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6929287958099659795.post-68282860817858941732015-04-21T15:14:00.000-07:002015-04-21T15:14:13.391-07:00Silly<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', HelveticaNeue, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14.4444446563721px; line-height: 21px;">The world used to write secret thoughts in diaries and journals and get upset when people read them. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', HelveticaNeue, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14.4444446563721px; line-height: 21px;"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', HelveticaNeue, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14.4444446563721px; line-height: 21px;"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', HelveticaNeue, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14.4444446563721px; line-height: 21px;">Now we write secret thoughts in blogs and online publications and get upset when people don’t read them. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', HelveticaNeue, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14.4444446563721px; line-height: 21px;"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', HelveticaNeue, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14.4444446563721px; line-height: 21px;"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', HelveticaNeue, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14.4444446563721px; line-height: 21px;"><br /></span></div>
zachariahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09609952899802742758noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6929287958099659795.post-13528345441674298972015-04-21T15:05:00.004-07:002015-04-21T15:09:23.345-07:00d<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">I left you with </span><br />
<div>
<div>
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">saltwater on my shirt</span></div>
<div>
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">in a hurried day of which I knew</span></div>
<div>
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">There would be no turning back</span></div>
<div>
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">No fixing a little bump or scrape</span></div>
<div>
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">I was already checked out and cold<br />My knees were weak, and I just wanted to touch you</span></div>
<div>
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">The light was fading</span></div>
<div>
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Dimming and making me question myself</span></div>
<div>
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Squinting at the clouds overhead</span></div>
<div>
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">wishing it would rain</span></div>
<div>
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">so you couldn't see the monsoon inside</span></div>
<div>
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">but you could always feel that part of me</span></div>
<div>
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">and this is why you gracefully bowed out</span></div>
<div>
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">why you knew that I was broken</span></div>
<div>
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">It was never about money</span></div>
<div>
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">but I welcomed the favors and the mention</span></div>
<div>
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">I spent today thinking I would see you</span></div>
<div>
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">I spent yesterday doing the same</span></div>
<div>
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">I dreamt of nothing, wishing you were there</span></div>
<div>
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Open and honest</span></div>
<div>
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">We were always right</span></div>
<div>
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Always sensing what the other would not speak</span></div>
<div>
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">I cried alone</span></div>
<div>
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Days upon days not knowing where I was driving</span></div>
<div>
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Listening to the music you gave me</span></div>
<div>
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Finding a desire to hear you speak</span></div>
<div>
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">feeling your lips touch my ear</span></div>
<div>
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Putting the phone to my face and putting it down</span></div>
<div>
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Never dialing</span></div>
<div>
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Giving you space</span></div>
<div>
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">I wandered the desert</span></div>
<div>
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Holding myself against mountains</span></div>
<div>
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Remembering your warmth</span></div>
<div>
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Kicking up dust and throwing rocks</span></div>
<div>
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Escaping to California</span></div>
<div>
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Bleeding</span></div>
<div>
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">I have become a siren</span></div>
<div>
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Calling them into my song</span></div>
<div>
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Yet more human, because of you</span></div>
<div>
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Everything reminds me of you</span></div>
</div>
<div>
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">This city has echoes of us</span></div>
<div>
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">I find myself walking</span></div>
<div>
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">in the same route we always did</span></div>
<div>
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Sometimes I wish I could find a different one</span></div>
<div>
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Sometimes I just don't think about it</span></div>
<div>
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">I picture you with my guitar</span></div>
<div>
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Incense burning</span></div>
<div>
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Entertaining someone who deserves you</span></div>
<div>
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">while I am in North Carolina</span></div>
<div>
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Remembering my father</span></div>
<div>
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Talking to my mother</span></div>
<div>
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">standing under a waterfall alone</span></div>
<div>
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">hiding the waterfall inside</span></div>
<div>
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Americano iced</span></div>
<div>
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">everything but the kitchen sink</span></div>
<div>
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">sleep</span></div>
<div>
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">text</span></div>
<div>
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">call</span></div>
<div>
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">kiss</span></div>
<div>
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">goodbye</span></div>
<div>
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">I love you</span></div>
<div>
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">see you soon?</span></div>
</div>
zachariahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09609952899802742758noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6929287958099659795.post-23632862895658812832015-04-21T00:00:00.000-07:002015-04-21T00:00:11.947-07:00Eat your words. <div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span class="s1"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Hi, my name is Zachariah, and I used to think I was an alcoholic…</span></span></div>
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<span class="s1"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">When you’re born in Florida and you live on an island with wild boars and third cousins on a citrus farm- you might be convinced you’re inbred or adopted.</span></span></div>
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<span class="s1"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">I always assumed I was part of a human trafficking story. </span></span></div>
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<span class="s1"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Mostly because I moved so many times and could barely keep track of where we were or where we were heading.</span></span></div>
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<span class="s1"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">My mother and I were gypsies in our own way.. Or we were in witness protection. Who fucking knows?</span></span></div>
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<span class="s1"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Sometimes in Florida I also fantasized about being an alien, because we used to be able to see the rockets take off from the Kennedy Launch Pad from the house.</span></span></div>
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<span class="s1"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">My uncle told me that in january of 86 they saw the challenger explode in the air right in front of their faces.</span></span></div>
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<span class="s1"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">My heritage is a little bizarre.</span></span></div>
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<span class="s1"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">On my father’s side we are Cherokee and Irish.</span></span></div>
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<span class="s1"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">On my mother’s side we are Cherokee, blackfoot, and Irish.</span></span></div>
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<span class="s1"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">My Godmother is Cuban.</span></span></div>
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<span class="s1"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">My friends were dominican, korean, and japanese, because my father was a martial artist and stunt trainer for Universal.</span></span></div>
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<span class="s1"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">We moved from Florida, to Ohio, to Michigan, back to Ohio, and Then finally stayed in Michigan where I finished most of my schooling.</span></span></div>
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<span class="s1"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">When my mother re-married she had four half puerto rican babies. Their grandmother is from Ecuador.</span></span></div>
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<span class="s1"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">My uncle married a Filipino woman and had two children.</span></span></div>
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<span class="s1"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">None of us look related. But we all have a common love for food and drinks</span></span></div>
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<span class="s1"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">You could never eat enough or drink enough.</span></span></div>
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<span class="s1"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">If you were skinny, it was because you didn’t eat.</span></span></div>
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<span class="s1"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">If you were sad, it was because you didn’t eat.</span></span></div>
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<span class="s1"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">If you were tired, it was because you didn’t eat.</span></span></div>
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<span class="s1"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">I wanted to strangle abuelita so many times when she tried to force me to eat more rice, beans, platanos, ham, and salad.</span></span></div>
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<span class="s1"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">My mother’s father and I were especially close.</span></span></div>
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<span class="s1"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">I took my first steps with him. I played in mud with him and pissed my mom off.</span></span></div>
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<span class="s1"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">We took road trips. Shot rifles. Climbed trees. Jumped on trampolines.</span></span></div>
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<span class="s1"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">He was unstoppable. We instigated trouble.</span></span></div>
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<span class="s1"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Jim Sutton (my grandfather) was a navy brat and war veteran. He was my favorite person. </span></span></div>
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<span class="s1"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Every time I ran away or needed a place to go during my times of change I would stay with him.</span></span></div>
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<span class="s1"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">When I was sixteen he taught me some pretty interesting things that most parents would flip their shit about…</span></span></div>
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<span class="s1"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">How to roll a joint.- Which I have honestly forgotten how to do.. How to make THC butter. The kind that puts you in a coma.. And how to play roulette & craps.</span></span></div>
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<span class="s1"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">He taught me how to cook Lasagna, and because of it I would win every time my mother and I would have a contest.</span></span></div>
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<span class="s1"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Also, how to make a very tasty margarita.</span></span></div>
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<span class="s1"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">A Margarita is 7 parts Tequila, 4 parts Cointreau, and 3 parts Lime Juice… Squeeze lime juice on the rim of the glass, and dip the edges in sea salt till it coats the outside. Garnish with a lime wedge.</span></span></div>
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<span class="s1"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">A budweiser is 5% alcohol and is a pale lager made by Anheiser-busch.</span></span></div>
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<span class="s1"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">The requirements to drink these are:</span></span></div>
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<li class="li1"><span class="s1"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Don’t be a piece of shit.</span></span></li>
<li class="li1"><span class="s1"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">If you’re up and I’m out we simply say,”SinceYewWas!” which is the shortened version of “Since you are up and walking over there, grab me another one please.”</span></span></li>
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<span class="s1"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">My grandfather grew up quite poor, so he always had interesting ways of turning food into an experience.</span></span></div>
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<span class="s1"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">When I was very young he would make popcorn on the stove. Oil a pan, place the kernels inside, and keep the burner on until they start to pop rapidly.</span></span></div>
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<span class="s1"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Now most people get the popcorn going, put a lid on it, and go about their business. </span></span></div>
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<span class="s1"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">We never did that. we had no intention of making popcorn to sit on our ass and watch a movie.</span></span></div>
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<span class="s1"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"> Once the popcorn was popping- he kept the lid off and we would catch the puffs of corn in our mouths and watch it fly everywhere in the kitchen.</span></span></div>
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<span class="s1"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">That was our entertainment. </span></span></div>
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<span class="s1"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">It was messy and probably had a chance of burning an eyeball or two, but it was so exciting.</span></span></div>
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<span class="s1"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">smiles everywhere.</span></span></div>
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<span class="s1"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Another treat he loved to make was butter sandwiches.</span></span></div>
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<span class="s1"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Butter is full of fat and cholesterol so in order to stay satiated and not feel hungry, his parents would feed them butter slapped between two pieces of white bread.</span></span></div>
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<span class="s1"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Most of the meals they had were stews and soups with bread and corn. Maybe potatoes. Cheap items.</span></span></div>
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<span class="s1"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">My great grandfather was a butcher, so sometimes they got lucky and were able to bring home strip steak or flanks. </span></span></div>
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<span class="s1"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">I know the gluten/vegan people out there are cringing, but you do what you have to do to survive. </span></span></div>
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<span class="s1"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">All of our talks about life, goals, and aspirations were in the kitchen.</span></span></div>
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<span class="s1"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Whether we were making margaritas. Singing Karaoke. Dancing. Taking pictures.</span></span></div>
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<span class="s1"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Everything revolved around this ugly, 1970’s kitchen table and these bright canary yellow chairs that had wheels on them, and they would swivel.</span></span></div>
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<span class="s1"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">My grandfather would sit next to the radio and the coffee maker, chain smoke, and I would sit across from him, and we would just talk.</span></span></div>
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<span class="s1"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Sometimes we’d pass a joint back and forth. Drink coffee. </span></span></div>
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<span class="s1"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">He gave me my first guitar when I was 15 and I learned how to play, “silver wings, shining in the sunlight” by Merle Haggard.</span></span></div>
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<span class="s1"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">He encouraged me to talk to all types of people.</span></span></div>
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<span class="s1"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">My grandfather thought I didn’t know, but he was kind of like the halfway house for druggies and alcoholics. </span></span></div>
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<span class="s1"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">There would always be someone staying in his extra bedroom or the back house that was made like an insulated barn.</span></span></div>
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<span class="s1"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">We would have dinner with his friends. My friends. His girlfriends who were always 20 years younger than him. </span></span></div>
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<span class="s1"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">I taught a lot of his girlfriends how to slow dance.</span></span></div>
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<span class="s1"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">They taught me how to kiss and be affectionate.</span></span></div>
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<span class="s1"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Sounds weird now saying that out loud, but at the time it just made sense.</span></span></div>
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<span class="s1"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">During one conversation with my grandfather when I was 20- I looked at him sipping his coffee and smoking his cigarette.</span></span></div>
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<span class="s1"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">He looked at me and said,”What’s up Zachy?” </span></span></div>
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<span class="s1"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">I told him with a blank face that “you’re going to die at this table one day.”</span></span></div>
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<span class="s1"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">He laughed and said,”Maybe you’re right!”</span></span></div>
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<span class="s1"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Then we talked about his cancer and alternative therapies he was trying.</span></span></div>
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<span class="s1"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Accupuncture. Herbal remedies. Nicotene patches. </span></span></div>
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<span class="s1"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">On Tuesday October 16th, 2007 I was right.</span></span></div>
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<span class="s1"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">My grandfather died at his kitchen table at home by himself while he was having his morning coffee and a cigarette.</span></span></div>
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<span class="s1"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">That table has since been removed.</span></span></div>
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<span class="s1"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">The house was renovated.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><span class="s1"></span><br /></span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">His belongings went to myself and my brothers and then to charity.</span></span></div>
<div class="p2">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><span class="s1"></span><br /></span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">My uncles stole a lot of things out of selfishness.</span></span></div>
<div class="p2">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><span class="s1"></span><br /></span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">My mother and my siblings live in his old house that was built by my great grandfather.</span></span></div>
<div class="p2">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><span class="s1"></span><br /></span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">It was a sad time. It is still hard, but we have all grown.</span></span></div>
<div class="p2">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><span class="s1"></span><br /></span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">I think when people die you either try to forget them or as my grandfather would prefer to say,”You keep the dream alive.”</span></span></div>
<div class="p2">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><span class="s1"></span><br /></span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">So when we finished renovating the house I started doing a lot of the things my grandfather would do.</span></span></div>
<div class="p2">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><span class="s1"></span><br /></span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">I let people stay with me if they needed to get away from an abusive situation.</span></span></div>
<div class="p2">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><span class="s1"></span><br /></span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">We always cooked enough food for guests to come over and join us.</span></span></div>
<div class="p2">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><span class="s1"></span><br /></span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">My mother and I would make margaritas and play music loudly in the kitchen and dance around.</span></span></div>
<div class="p2">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><span class="s1"></span><br /></span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Even when I wasn’t home, I would find myself in the kitchen of someone else’s home.</span></span></div>
<div class="p2">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><span class="s1"></span><br /></span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Cooking, talking, or just doing their dishes for them while having conversation.</span></span></div>
<div class="p2">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><span class="s1"></span><br /></span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">I would bring my guitar with me and we would sing songs together or make up funny renditions of songs we hated.</span></span></div>
<div class="p2">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><span class="s1"></span><br /></span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">We subconsciously celebrated my grandfather's life and the magical things he taught me.</span></span></div>
<div class="p2">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><span class="s1"></span><br /></span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">And of course, the pivotal moment in my life and something that made me feel even closer to my little brothers and even closer to my grandfather...</span></span></div>
<div class="p2">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><span class="s1"></span><br /></span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Was making popcorn on the stove and seeing them laugh and catch the popped kernels as they flew all over the kitchen off of the stove.</span></span></div>
<div class="p2">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><span class="s1"></span><br /></span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">As they’ve grown older, I have witnessed them do it on their own accord, and now there are three generations of young men who learned how to let go and have fun.</span></span></div>
<div class="p2">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><span class="s1"></span><br /></span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Something so simple becomes so magical. </span></span></div>
<div class="p2">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><span class="s1"></span><br /></span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"> My name is zachariah and I realize I’m not an alcoholic.</span></span></div>
<div class="p2">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><span class="s1"></span><br /></span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">I’m not a foodie. Or a drug abuser. I’m not an alien. I’m not a kidnapped victim.</span></span></div>
<div class="p2">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><span class="s1"></span><br /></span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">I just learned from a very important man who traveled the world that life is too short to sit still and never laugh or dance.</span></span></div>
<div class="p2">
<span class="s1"></span><br /></div>
<div class="p2">
<span class="s1"></span><br /></div>
<div class="p2">
<span class="s1"></span><br /></div>
<div class="p2">
<span class="s1"></span><br /></div>
<div class="p2">
<span class="s1"></span><br /></div>
<div class="p2">
<span class="s1"></span><br /></div>
<div class="p2">
<span class="s1"></span><br /></div>
<br />
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"> </span></div>
</div>
zachariahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09609952899802742758noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6929287958099659795.post-41375915142810759502015-04-01T01:02:00.002-07:002015-04-01T01:02:52.336-07:00I AM ENOUGH<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
"I'll sleep when I'm dead."<br />
<br />
Cause that's what I'll do.<br />
<br />
"I'll climb higher mountains."<br />
<br />
I'm better than you.<br />
<br />
"I'll reach peaking pillars."<br />
<br />
You'll never do more.<br />
<br />
"I'll fly over skyscrapers."<br />
<br />
You'll run for the door.<br />
<br />
"I'll dream when I'm waking"<br />
<br />
Because dreams can come true.<br />
<br />
"I'll sleep when I'm living"<br />
<br />
That's all I ever do.<br />
<br />
-------------------------</div>
zachariahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09609952899802742758noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6929287958099659795.post-84743088983499031142015-03-20T19:45:00.000-07:002015-03-20T19:45:35.733-07:00clair - something...clair...nothing. <div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">I am unfolding.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">My origami magick is stealthy.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Hidden in each crease is an undulating word.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Paralleled by bent lines and softened corners.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">I am unfolding.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">My fortune telling comes in a series of yes or no questions.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">1, 2, 3, 4. Red, White, Yellow, Or BLACK. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">It all feels beige.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">They all seem transparent.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">If I was daring- I would crumple myself up and get recycled.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">If I was unfolding and unfurled I would smooth out the creases.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">This black marker would write, "Fake it, til you make it."</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">or</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">"keep it simple, stupid."</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Or</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">"I love you. I'm sorry."</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">So I take each corner, and neatly fold everything back into place.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">What shape does it take?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">A crane.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">A flower.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">A frog.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">A diamond.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">My fortune telling only comes in yes or no questions.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">No- I do not wish to be any of those creatures.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">It all feels beige.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Red. Yellow. White. Black.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Folding.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Folding.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Stop.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>
<br /></div>
zachariahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09609952899802742758noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6929287958099659795.post-39260196459951373192015-03-17T00:23:00.000-07:002015-03-17T00:23:08.418-07:00Gratitude is the best attitude. <div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
My music video release party is this week.<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I am internally freaking out, but trying to make sure I put everything into place and have all the materials and things I need beforehand. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
It has been a long time coming, but my single for the music video "BE" is now on I-tunes!</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
https://itunes.apple.com/us/album/be-single/id975858060</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I went through a website that does all the legal work for me, and sets up my store so I can focus on the promotional side of it.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Gratitude.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Life has become a bit surreal.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
From what I can see around me, there are still people on the outside of my circle who think I need to be taught a lesson.. Or that I have done them some 'wrong' because I have said NO to whatever suicide march they're on..</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I choose my own path, and if you happen to be walking in that direction- let's talk. Otherwise, don't get offended if I continue on without you. It's nothing personal.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
-z-</div>
</div>
zachariahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09609952899802742758noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6929287958099659795.post-23506756496113092552015-03-02T00:05:00.002-08:002015-03-02T00:10:46.302-08:00e v o L L o v e<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 16px; padding: 0px;">
The longer I am away from you, the more I love myself. The more it makes me love you.<br />
<br style="font-size: 13px;" />
The more I appreciate the thoughts and feelings that I denied. The happier I want you to be.<br />
<br style="font-size: 13px;" />
--<br />
<br style="font-size: 13px;" />
I am not meant to be a piece of property. To be given a title of his, mr, sir, boyfriend, or husband.<br />
<br style="font-size: 13px;" />
--<br />
<br style="font-size: 13px;" />
I function and feel most fulfilled when I do not feel obligated to the desires of other people.<br />
<br style="font-size: 13px;" />
When I am able to show compassion in a humble and unexpected way.<br />
<br style="font-size: 13px;" />
--<br />
<br style="font-size: 13px;" />
I want to love and be loved in return.<br />
<br style="font-size: 13px;" />
--<br />
<br style="font-size: 13px;" />
I am in FRIEND-love... I wish I could make the picture clearer.<br />
<br style="font-size: 13px;" />
I wish my kindness and dedication was not confused with "life partner" or "marriage".<br />
<br style="font-size: 13px;" />
--<br />
<br style="font-size: 13px;" />
These things make me shut down, and I realize it is because I am better at staying committed to my friends and family, than to someone who wants to have a title and contract over me.<br />
<br style="font-size: 13px;" />
I fully believe that choosing to have someone in your life is more romantic and loving than forcing them to be ONLY YOURS. YOUR WIFE. YOUR BF. YOUR...etc...anything...<br />
<br style="font-size: 13px;" />
I am not a piece of property and neither are you.<br />
<br style="font-size: 13px;" />
We choose the love we give.<br />
<br style="font-size: 13px;" />
I am sorry if mine is not possessive, or jealous.<br />
<br style="font-size: 13px;" />
I think that is a waste of time.</div>
<div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 16px; padding: 0px;">
<br style="font-size: 13px;" /></div>
<div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 16px; padding: 0px;">
--</div>
<div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 16px; padding: 0px;">
<br style="font-size: 13px;" /></div>
<div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 16px; padding: 0px;">
I applaud and congratulate those who choose their own perception of love.</div>
<div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 16px; padding: 0px;">
<br style="font-size: 13px;" /></div>
<div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 16px; padding: 0px;">
I respect and admire those who do not force their perceptions on me.</div>
<div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 16px; padding: 0px;">
<br style="font-size: 13px;" /></div>
<div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 16px; padding: 0px;">
Those are the people I love the most.</div>
<div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 16px; padding: 0px;">
Those are the people who love me the most.<br />
<br style="font-size: 13px;" />
<span style="font-size: 13px;">-z-</span></div>
</div>
zachariahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09609952899802742758noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6929287958099659795.post-52679377837002716442015-01-29T10:27:00.002-08:002015-01-29T10:27:48.905-08:00A Life Update<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
2015 has officially started now that February is around the bend.<br />
<br />
So many wonderful, random, and magical things have been happening in my life.<br />
<br />
<br />
I moved to Los Angeles seven months ago and hit the ground running.<br />
<br />
There have been distractions and emotional upsets along the way, but I feel like it is all returning to order and calm.<br />
<br />
Most recently THIS year in 2015 I have had several successes that I am happy about.<br />
<br />
<br />
1. New recording equipment = New recordings and Music!<br />
2. New online presence & website being developed.<br />
3. An A&R representative was at a show I did and a label is looking into my stuff right now.<br />
4. I have had shows booked back to back up until April.<br />
5. I have been able to help and mentor people with PR and Music info so they can start.<br />
6. My support system here is amazing and I love my friends that have helped me survive.<br />
7. I just filmed my FIRST music video for a song I wrote. Thrilling!<br />
<br />
<br />
I will stop with seven things, because it was my Grandfather's favorite number.<br />
He was a musician and a singer, and I think of him often when I am talking to other artists and working on new material. :-)<br />
<br />
I am sure there is a more concise and detailed way I could write about my life and where it is headed, but I feel like this will be good enough for now.<br />
<br />
Looking forward to the future of 2015 and where it is taking me.<br />
<br />
I am watching people around me excel and succeed so much and it is really inspiring.<br />
<br />
I am grateful.<br />
I am present.<br />
<br />
Many helpful, beautiful, and wondrous things are on the horizon.<br />
<br />
Stay tuned...<br />
<br />
-z-</div>
zachariahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09609952899802742758noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6929287958099659795.post-61015848994448973182015-01-12T11:42:00.000-08:002015-01-12T11:42:17.834-08:00stop it. <div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
If you are an <span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b><i>artist</i></b></span>:<br />
<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-large;"><b>STOP. WORKING. FOR. FREE.</b></span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">It damages your image.</span></div>
zachariahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09609952899802742758noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6929287958099659795.post-29905283291874438222015-01-07T13:29:00.002-08:002015-01-07T13:29:42.118-08:00<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
11/03/06<br />
<br />
<br />
From a time capsule made for a friend... I wrote these words.<br />
Now when I read them, I feel like they resonate with where I am in life and where I am going.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<b><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-size: 13.333333969116211px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-size: 13.333333969116211px;">May your eyes be opened to ANY possibility.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-size: 13.333333969116211px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-size: 13.333333969116211px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-size: 13.333333969116211px;">May your heart be open to all forms of love.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-size: 13.333333969116211px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-size: 13.333333969116211px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-size: 13.333333969116211px;">May your spirit cry out when it needs to.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-size: 13.333333969116211px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-size: 13.333333969116211px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-size: 13.333333969116211px;">May your voice be heard.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-size: 13.333333969116211px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-size: 13.333333969116211px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-size: 13.333333969116211px;"> There was a fork in the road, and looking back to determine if</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-size: 13.333333969116211px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-size: 13.333333969116211px;">you went the right way is only going to delay you now.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-size: 13.333333969116211px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-size: 13.333333969116211px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-size: 13.333333969116211px;">You should be proud of who you are and where you've been.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-size: 13.333333969116211px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-size: 13.333333969116211px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-size: 13.333333969116211px;"> Never look back.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-size: 13.333333969116211px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-size: 13.333333969116211px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-size: 13.333333969116211px;"> Never say never.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-size: 13.333333969116211px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-size: 13.333333969116211px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-size: 13.333333969116211px;">You are loved, and I hope these words inspire something within you for</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-size: 13.333333969116211px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-size: 13.333333969116211px;">years to come.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-size: 13.333333969116211px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-size: 13.333333969116211px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-size: 13.333333969116211px;">He wants you to "keep fighting."</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-size: 13.333333969116211px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-size: 13.333333969116211px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-size: 13.333333969116211px;">with all the love a human can muster,</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-size: 13.333333969116211px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-size: 13.333333969116211px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-size: 13.333333969116211px;">-Z-</span></span></b></div>
zachariahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09609952899802742758noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6929287958099659795.post-64362762264314853982014-12-12T22:59:00.002-08:002014-12-12T22:59:22.687-08:00<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">He could have made the grade.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">He would have been ideal.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I let my feelings get away.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I left my soul to feel.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">For feeling, was a schism.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Each moment was a chance.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Each thoughtless intuition.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Was mindless happenstance.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I wrung my hands over the water.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I placed my heart in new compartments.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I watched the tears fall on the paper.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I gave him time for sentiment.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">For losing, was a poison.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Each thorn a passing glance.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Each thought that was never spoken.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Was doomed to true romance.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">He should have made it fade.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">He could have been ideal.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I let my mind degrade.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I left my soul to feel.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I burned up bits of letters.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I threw up shards of glass.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I patched the wounds much better.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I let the feelings pass.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">For time was just a vessel.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Each lapse, a quickened song.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Each tampering, each meddle.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Was too far, and too far gone.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">He wonders why I am silent.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">He paces in his mind.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">My heart knows what my choice meant.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">It has hardened over time.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">My lover is the loft apartment.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I am the basement floor.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">So high on awful discontent.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I can't do this anymore.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I crawled out of the darkness.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I splayed myself across the floor.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I closed my eyes to the abyss.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I will not live here any more.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">-</span><br />
<br /></div>
zachariahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09609952899802742758noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6929287958099659795.post-17952221215934969012014-12-10T23:27:00.002-08:002014-12-10T23:31:09.462-08:00There's so much more I could say, but this is all that came today. <div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">These thoughts and words have been coming for the last year, and I have neglected to acknowledge them or allow myself to write about them. I rationalize my procrastination with work, extracurricular 'fun', relationships, moving, sleep, gym, etc.. None of which really hold any weight to the importance of what I have been feeling and thinking. In my thoughts. By myself. Without influence from any one or any kind of substance. I have not planned how I would write about these things, but I am going to attempt it in the best way that I can. Free- form. No rules. Just words. I also had not planned to make it a public forum for the eyes of the world to possibly find, but here I am. And here you might be. So if there is anything to gain from writing this other than lifting a heavy weight on my heart.. I hope that there is a message in here that can assist and help who ever finds it and interprets what I say. I am allowing myself to be open to whatever thoughts and feelings come, and this is how it goes:</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">I attempted to run away from home when I was nine years old. Looking back on it now, I know that I was not in my right mind and clearly was not good at planning such a task. I walked out of the apartment I lived in with my mother and her new husband in pajamas and slippers. I decided that evening when I went into my room that I wanted to run away and live with my grandmother in Massachusetts. I knew nothing about her except small pieces of information that I gathered over time. She abandoned my mother and my uncles when they were very small, but for some reason, I thought that I would be an exception to the rule and she would know who I was and welcome me into her home and her life without hesitation. I walked in the darkness of the neighborhood for at least an hour, hiding from cars that went by and after a couple miles a police officer picked me up and took me home. I reference this story, because in the last year my grandmother died, alone. There is a part of me that believes she killed herself, whether it was instantly or it was a slow process. I know in my heart that she was alone and she was sad and it was a result of the mistakes that she made in life.. I don't mean this to sound cold or disconnected. I loved her. And in my later years, I grew to know her in person, and I had an understanding of why she was who she was. I would spend sundays with her, color her hair, talk to her about my life and my music. I always felt like something in her was missing though, and until she died I could never really see what that was. When I got the call from my mother about her death all I could think was, "I'm sorry you were alone." I cried. I am still grieving to some extent. Reflecting on my time with her has helped. There were times though- when I avoided her and was afraid to see her. She drank a lot, and only had spare moments of clarity within those times. My grandmother was sassy and stubborn, but if she liked you she would do her best to make you smile. I wish more people had her spirit, but I also wish that she wasn't a victim of alcoholism and abuse. There was so much potential within her as a person. It was one of those things you could always see in someone's eyes, but they couldn't see it when they looked in the mirror..</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">-------</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">My father kidnapped me when I was young from a visit during a custody dispute with my mother. I can tell you things that I remember during this time. In fact, the images are crystal clear and they are some of the only memories I have of my father smiling. We drove through the desert in the hot sun, and he would tell me to duck down whenever a police car drove past us on the freeway. There was a moment where we had to stop for gas and food, and I told the man behind the counter,"That's my daddy and he kidnapped me!" I didn't say it in a way that was accusatory, but I thought that it was a game and we were having fun. My father was charming. He could get away with murder, and I'm pretty sure he did at one point in the 1970's, but I don't know the full story, and I don't care to know. While my father and I were on the road, I have no idea what was happening back home with my mom. I can't really even remember if I missed her or if I was aware of the fact that what was happening to me was wrong. I do know that shortly after I was returned, I was in foster care. I was hard to handle. I would scream every night. I would cry. I would bite. I was traumatized by my experiences before and after at a very early age. I do not blame anyone for my life or the path I am on. I know that my soul chose to be here at this time and to experience these lessons and stepping stones. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">As for my father... He was ejected from my life due to his reckless behavior. My mother had sole custody of me, and we lived a gypsy lifestyle. Traveling all over. Sometimes living in a van, motels, the ywca, with boyfriends of hers. It was new all the time, and we were a team. I still don't remember when I forgot about my father, but I never thought about him until I was nine years old. The same year that I tried to run away to my grandmother. A phone call came to our apartment one day, and from the tone of my mother's voice it was serious. We sat down to have dinner, and that was when she told me that my father had a heart attack. I was stoic. Pensive. Frozen. Who was my father? Only recently at that time did I wonder, because I was constantly being called a faggot for not having a dad. I was bullied because my dad didn't exist and we didn't play sports. So when I was sitting there, and hearing those words about a man who was a work of fiction to me at the time. I cried. It was all of the reality of my life cascading back onto me and reminding me of my past. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">The journey to know my father and get close to him was difficult. I was in constant opposition of my parents. They could not agree on anything, because they could not agree on what was best for me. This of course is my own interpretation, and I'm sure they would tell you differently if they could. My father and I began talking on the phone, and he would send me letters and VHS tapes in the mail. He made a lot of promises and showed me a very grandiose life that he was living in Florida. My father painted a very pretty picture about living with him and his wife in their big house near the ocean with horses and boats and his karate school. It wasn't until I was sixteen that I finally had the chance to see him in person again. Then again when I was nineteen. Our letters were very frequent, and lengthy. I still have all of them in my possession. His penmanship was impeccable, and his way with words always seemed to make me feel like I was wrong, even if there were a million facts showing he was at fault. My father abused the words "I love you". I think he thought it was a band-aid for years of neglect and abuse. "I love you" became the bane of my existence. My father didn't even spell my name right half the time. He spelled it Z-A-C-K. I HATED IT. I still hate being called Zach, Zachary, and Zachy. If you loved me, why didn't you respect the name you gave me?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Shortly after my father's heart attack when I was nine, he was placed in the custody of Florida Corrections and admitted as a criminal. His battle with the judicial system lasted my whole life from that point. I always knew that he would die alone, but I held out hope he would never die in prison. Several letters came from my father in the last two years. I ignored them. I decided to stop writing him, because I thought he was selfish. Deep down I wanted so desperately to reach out to him and just shake him and say,"You don't have to pretend you're perfect. I just want to love you for who you are." I was with my boyfriend John during this time, and he heard so many stories and he was afraid of my father. He didn't want him to have our address, because my father had this crazy ability to escape and go into hiding. Yes, my dad was hunted down by the FBI when he ditched parole and went AWOL. It was a horrible experience for my family, and we constantly felt harassed.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">I'm not writing about my father to list his criminal history though. I am writing about him, because he died in January of 2014. I never had the opportunity to see him one last time. I never got the chance to hear his voice on the phone. I never got to forgive him. I never allowed myself to really love him, because I was afraid he would lie and make promises that he couldn't keep. It's amazing how the way someone loves you can affect the way you think you should love other people.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"> Now that I am older, and I am grieving his death. I have looked inward to find answers. There have been none. So when my father died, in that time I latched onto my ex. It was a selfish move, and I regret it, but I am learning to let it go. I spent a couple weeks away from work, and I parked myself on the couch and just cried. I then moved back in with my ex, and we stayed in relationship limbo for another six months. We amicably ended things, moved into our own respective spaces, and then I decided to quit my job and come to LA. I had nothing left. All of my family was scattered and all of my friends were getting pregnant, died, or had gotten married to their partner or their career.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">That's the funny part about death too though.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">It makes you realize who you are, because you know what you're losing, and all you have left in your hands.. I realized that I wanted to be free, and I was not happy with the life I had made for myself.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">When I looked at the rubble of what happened in my life this past year I learned to acknowledge two very simple things:</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>
<b><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">1. Love is all around you.</span></b><br />
<b><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">2. Forgiveness is not weakness.</span></b><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">I also observed how terribly afraid I have been to really love and be loved by any one. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">John and I ended our relationship amicably, and we also ended our friendship and communication in December. That was four years of learning and growing alongside another person... </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">My biggest challenge was to learn how to feel everything I was experiencing without editing it. I had this horrible habit of analyzing my thoughts and feelings and self medicating so that I could have control. I would find myself resenting decisions I had made, because I knew deep down I didn't want it. I stopped listening to my heart and allowed myself to be wrapped up in a symbiotic and selfish relationship. We were merely getting high on each other and how we felt while we were together. It's that weird intoxicating part about love that people don't see all the time. To the outside everyone says,"Oh wow, they are so happy together, look at them." What is really happening is that one person is sacrificing passions and dreams to substitute it with making the other content.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Love is not meant to be selfish. Ever.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">After I was single, I learned that compassion was the most important thing I needed to embrace.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Compassion made me open up myself to possibility. Compassion allowed me to let go of my guilt and it allowed me to forgive. In doing this, I happily quit living my life the way I was. I went back to center, and found the happiness within myself that I always knew existed. It has been exciting and I can't believe how simple it was once I let it happen.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">My father had moments of it. Self love and appreciation, but he allowed it to become warped and twisted. Manipulating those around him for his own selfish needs.. I was always so afraid that I would become him, but now that he's gone and I see the life I have begun, I am light years away from his karma, and I do not accept it into my own path. I love my father for showing me who I should not become. I love him for being absent, because if he wasn't- I would not be who I am today.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">The same goes for my grandmother. I love her for her crazy. I love her for being indifferent toward the struggles of her children and grandchildren, because if she had not been who she was- I would not be me.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">We all make choices.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">We all decide to find the love around us and forgive.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Unfortunately, we all make bad decisions and mistakes too.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Hindsight can be such a blessing, but the irony of it can be maddening. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">I am trying to find a balance.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">I am still growing and learning, and in fact I am still living in fear most of the time.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">I know that what I feel is very intense and true. I know that there is nothing standing in my way any more except myself and my own mind. Which is why I am sitting here writing. I need to get it out. I need to let it go. I need to forgive myself for thinking that I do not deserve more.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">I cannot live in denial about who I am. Or be ashamed for the mistakes that my father or my grandmother might have made. I will not be. I will stand up and say that I love them for existing and I am happy that I was able to appreciate them, regardless of the pain.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">So, in closing.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">I would like to say I am sorry if there has been any one in my life who I closed my heart to. I allowed a lot of loss and regret to subdue me. I allowed failed relationships and failed friendships to tarnish my perception of truth.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Perhaps it wasn't the right time, or maybe I was allowing my own thoughts to pull me away.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">I want to be open to love.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">I want to be compassionate and kind.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">I want to forgive and keep moving forward.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">I want to make people smile.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Laugh.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">So please, be patient with me.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">I will forever be a student of the world, but I want to be the master of my own heart and spirit.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">I love you.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">-z-</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>
</div>
zachariahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09609952899802742758noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6929287958099659795.post-16675879927635368672014-12-05T19:23:00.002-08:002014-12-05T19:23:41.460-08:00clay<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">I'm not sure when it really happened.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">This idea...</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">It appeared, and I grabbed it and I decided to just sit with it for a while.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">In my hands it just looked like a ball of clay and nothing further.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">When I started to sing or think of new dance ideas, the look of it changed.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">It was exciting.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">At times, it was intoxicating.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">How could I alter this experience and transform it so that it would flow into the next?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">When I was afraid- it would shrivel up like a raisin.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">It would grow cold, damp, and crumble. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">I tried to patch it up and put it back together with pretty words and phrases.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Nothing really worked.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Then I knew.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">I knew that this idea...</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">The thing I had inside of me would never grow without truth, compassion, and real love.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">It would never evolve or change without a little mystery. Intrigue. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">This thing would only stay in the form it was if I relied on it to be more than what it started as.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">I had to create a new portrait.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">I had to give it a new voice.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">I had to take the first step into the light.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Then I knew.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">But sometimes, I feel like I know and learn things too late.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">This thing has come and gone in many life times.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">It has been many muses.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Who passed it to me and expected me to create anything out of it?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">I can tell right now that all I see is the ball of clay with a few fingerprints in it.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">I have not even scratched the surface.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">What is this thing?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">What do I do with it?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">What am I supposed to feel about it?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Should I feel anything at all?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">this thing...</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">It's just... there.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">-</span></div>
zachariahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09609952899802742758noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6929287958099659795.post-12593855702815040132014-09-05T23:35:00.000-07:002014-09-05T23:35:15.199-07:00BOBBI BOUGHT A GUN<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Bobbi heaved a sigh as she eyed his body slumped on the floor. Her hand clasped over her mouth to muffle any sound, but she pulled her hand away when she realized no one would hear her breathing. The other hand held the gun with the two fingers that were not broken. How she managed to pull the trigger was beyond her recollection since the .45 was dangling from her index and middle fingers. She trembled as she bent forward to put the weapon near her feet. Meticulously wiping it with the rags in her pocket and then making sure to keep her gloves on while she rubbed the gun residue onto his palms. His arms were heavy and clumsy to maneuver, but she was able to pull and turn his body in a way that made him look as if he were sleeping. In that moment Bobbi convinced herself that if she walked into the room and saw his body, it would look like he had been drinking again and just fell asleep that way. Just like every other night he stumbled into their hotel and collapsed into the abyss of his indulgence. It was only until the blood began to pool under his torso, then she started to panic. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Of all the nightmares and visions you could pull from dreams, Bobbi saw the horror of bright red liquid spreading into stark white carpet. A crimson rorschach. Bloody tendrils that were lingering and creeping toward her shoes as she stood over his body. Perhaps it was an optical illusion or her mind was matrixing the puddle, but it appeared to form a face. The face of a devil that was staring right into her. "<i>The Devil made me do it. The Devil made me do all of it. I am cursed by my own ignorance of what is pure and righteous! I am a sinner. I have sinned! Oh Jesus, what can I do?!</i>" Her penance went unheard, and the demonic red face continued to bloom under the dead body in front of her. The warmth of the blood crept up over her shoes and in between her toes. Bobbi was in awe of how much blood one body could release. So much of it pooling around him, and seeping into the carpet, but overflowing so high it went into her open-toed heel. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">"W<i>hy didn't the liver cancer take you out first? Why did you have to make me do this to you? Huh?</i>" Bobbi nudged his leg with her foot, expecting either the dead man or the bloody devil forming beneath him to answer. An answer from either would have scared her shitless, but standing there, alone, with three broken fingers and a dead body wasn't any fun either. The sound of a key being put into the deadbolt alarmed her and she froze. The silence was so distinct that she could hear the fabric of her raincoat rubbing against her shirt as she inhaled a short breath. A door opened and shut while muffled voices were giggling and talking loudly. It was coming from the room next door. The blond girl and her boyfriend that said hello to Bobbi when she first arrived into town. She had searching eyes that made Bobbi feel like she had already done something wrong. As if the young blond girl knew exactly what was in Bobbi's purse, and what use she had for it that evening back at the hotel. Knowing now that all was clear, and no one was barging into her room, Bobbi quickly began collecting evidence that could be used against her. She still made she her hair was kept wrapped up away from her face in the scarf, and her gloves would remain on until she could burn them. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><b>TO BE CONTINUED...</b></span></div>
zachariahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09609952899802742758noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6929287958099659795.post-18192576732355272672014-08-23T14:52:00.000-07:002014-08-23T14:52:12.705-07:00To a Funeral<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="background: white; color: black; font-family: "Century Gothic"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">The train
car was empty for most of the trip to Moncton. I sat with my face against the
window, watching my hot breath create a patch of steam contrasting the bitter
cold outside. An automated voice would wake me in increments of time. Reminding
me that a machine I obsessed over as a child was on two sets of steel rails
pulling my journey forward. I would catch glimpses of my reflection against the
dark outside and my eyes looked complacent. This was all too familiar, but the
chapter it was happening in felt devoid of reality. It felt sullen and
nostalgic like Joni Mitchell singing about it being in her blood like holy
wine. I could hear the guitar, and I could hear the words in my mind. This is
why I was on the train, and this was why I was compelled to a place I never
knew in this life. Compelled to bring a satchel, my guitar, and some cash if I
should need it. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="background: white; color: black; font-family: "Century Gothic"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">My heart
was aching as I scanned the car and my surroundings. The light that came from
my chest felt dimmed. The aching grew into a chill that spread from the center
of my body, over my shoulders, and down my back. Taking deep breaths and
reminding myself that I chose to be here, and I chose to do it alone was all I
could muster. Slowly, Taking deep breaths and looking at the back of the
woman’s head on the opposite end of the train. Short silver curls, resting on
top of pale white skin. Nestled on a thin neck, wrapped in a scarf and wool
coat. Just as many before her, she rode the train like a sentinel, looking
forward and never meeting my gaze. I returned to my breathing exercises.
Gently, conjuring happy trees and magical places in my consciousness. Was I
having a panic attack, or was it the claustrophobic air in the train finally
doing me in? How could I feel trapped in here? Physically, there were only two
whole bodies in this train car, including myself. Gradually, inhaling and
exhaling I began to find a steady calm, and I knew I could embrace slumber.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background: white; color: black; font-family: "Century Gothic"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Dusk had settled a cool blanket upon the earth,
and I could sense it all around me. My eyes were heavy as I wedged my face
between the seat cushion and the glass. The humming of the engine, and the
constant vibration of the locomotive hushed me to sleep. Little movies and
images began to play on the back of my eyelids. There were flashes of faces,
geometric silhouettes, and black puffs of smoke. There were startling and
sudden changes in mood. Accompanied by rivers of blood with bones cascading
from a mountain, and the sound of people weeping. My attempts to close my eyes,
look away, find my body, and regain some semblance of reality were growing
harder to accomplish. That was when I hit my face against the glass and was
jolted awake by the hand on my shoulder. Or did the hand hit my face and the
vulgar sounds in my ears follow? There was a declaration being made, forcibly
waking me like a splash of frigid water. Her mouth was moving, and it finally
registered that she was screaming,” FIRE!”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background: white; color: black; font-family: "Century Gothic"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">With her hand on my shoulder, and her dead eyes
looking into mine, the chill I had before I fell asleep returned. Dread and
fear took hold of me, and all I could do was stare blankly into her mouth and
watch her lips move, and bits of spittle land on her chin as she shook me and
kept declaring,” FIRE! FIRE! FIRE!” Her hand released from me, and she quickly
turned around and pointed a bony finger to the end of the car. My eyes followed
her every move as if in slow motion. I traced my vision along her shoulder,
over her wool collar, down her knitted scarf, past her elbow, to her hand, and
then past her pointing index finger. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="background: white; color: black; font-family: "Century Gothic"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">At the end
of the car was a flashing red light above a sign that read, “<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">DO NOT PULL THE EMERGENCY CORD. NOTIFY TRAIN
CREW IMMEDIATELY. IF POSSIBLE, MOVE TO ANOTHER CAR THROUGH INTERIOR DOORS.
REMAIN INSIDE- TRACKS ARE ELECTRIFIED. FOLLOW INSTRUCTIONS FROM TRAIN CREW AND
EMERGENCY WORKERS</i>.” What the hell happened? How long had I been sleeping? The
woman was rigid as she focused her attention on the light and the flashing
sign. Ambivalent, I looked back and forth between her and the alarm quite a few
times before I could feel my legs and stand. The train appeared to still be in
motion, and I held onto the seat as I walked out into the aisle with the
panicked old woman. I placed my hands very softly on her shoulders and she
jumped, but she looked into my eyes and smiled. I asked her,” would you like to
sit down while I try to see what is going on?” If she spoke English, or spoke
at all I could not be certain. Her smile just grew into a Cheshire grin, and
she complied with my body language.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As
she sat she adjusted the small wrinkles in her coat, and tied her scarf into a
tighter knot. Her gaze never met mine again, because she closed her eyes, and
leaned back into the seat as I walked away from her. I looked back at the alarm
and took one step toward it when a muffled pop caused me to turn around. I was
only three feet or so from the door to the car that had been behind me on this
trip. However, I could not see the interior lights through the door window. At
this moment, I felt the goose bumps raise so high off my skin it felt like tiny
needles all over my body. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background: white; color: black; font-family: "Century Gothic"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">What did I just see through the door? I was
trying to ignore the strange sensations that were going through my body so I
could regain my composure and rationalize what I had just witnessed. I took a
deep breath, and replayed the moment as I looked through the window. I saw
three sparks of light encased by opaque darkness. Then a flash of bright fire,
and what appeared to be a rolling piece of metal. It was rolling and bouncing,
and veering to one side of my sight and disappeared into the void. Did I see
human faces or just hear screams? That was when I realized the sleeper car
behind us had detached from the tracks and flipped over and over again. The
flashes of light and color were the bodies and the luggage and debris in
Technicolor as the fire consumed them. That was the muffled pop of the cable
release, and the sparks of the chains and wheels deploying. The grating metal
and twisting frame exploded onto the tracks, and into the tundra we were
barreling through. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Century Gothic"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">My
heart was aching again. My heart was thumping in my ears and I could no longer
hear the alarm, and I could not keep my eyes open. I felt my body sway and dip,
and I collapsed to my knees and landed on all fours trying to collect myself. I
began to focus on my breathing, and I allowed myself to melt into the floor.
Rolling onto my back, I opened my eyes and looked up at the ceiling of the
train car. My breathing began to slow, but my heart was still racing from the
adrenalin. Staring at the ceiling, I sat up, and looked right at the alarm on
the wall in front of me. Reaching for the seats nearby, pulling my body onto my
feet, and wobbling back onto my legs. I began to walk forward while looking
down at my boots and seeing where they had been scuffed over time. It drummed
up memories of my grandfather and where he walked in them. How many steps did
he take in them, and where did they lead him on his path in life? Then I
remembered that I was not alone, and I was in the car with the old woman.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Century Gothic"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p> </o:p></span><span style="font-family: 'Century Gothic'; font-size: 10pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">My eyes darted ahead to where I had
left her, but she was gone. Perhaps she was lying down across the seats? I
tripped and folded forward, sprawling out in the aisle. When I landed, my head
was in line with where she had been sitting. Her coat was neatly folded under
her scarf, and her shoes were in the seat next to it. I touched them to make
sure what I was witnessing was real, and indeed it was. Her clothes were
intact, but her body was missing. The aching and the cold began to creep over
me again, and I could not find comfort in taking deep breaths. I could not find
solace in going to my happy place. A train full of people behind me was erased
from existence, and a woman in my car had vanished into thin air. I moved her
belongings over to the window seat, and I sat down where she had been.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Century Gothic"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Looking around the car, trying to gain
perspective into where she could have gone. I sat there in a stupor. Completely
baffled at the series of events that had unfolded out of my control. This trip
was supposed to help me find myself. I was only here because going by myself
seemed like the best option. As I mulled through the thoughts that had come
before I departed, I began to feel a deep sense of regret and absolute terror
overtake me. My brain was folding into itself and all of my yogic ideologies
were failing me. The sheer trauma of what was occurring left me incapable of
finding my thoughts, and rationalizing what I should do next. So, I sat there,
and I cried. I fucking cried until I asked myself out loud,” What the hell are
you sitting here for? You need to get the hell out of here before something
else happens!” It was in that moment that I knew I had lost my mind, but I had
regained my survivalist defense. I left the seat, and the old woman’s
belongings, and I walked toward the flashing alarm. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Century Gothic"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Apprehensively, I took meager steps
toward it. The fear was suffocating me, and I was waiting for another
explosion, or another crazy person to scream fire and appear from nowhere. The
thought also crossed my mind that perhaps as I moved up the train car, that
somewhere, I would see the old woman. I would see her naked and dead in between
the seats. She would still have her eyes open with a look of terror frozen on
her face. I closed my eyes and shook this image from my mind. I shook it quite
aggressively, and allowed my body to carry me forward toward the alarm that was
flashing. The audible sound that it made had stopped somewhere in between the
explosion and the old woman’s disappearance. Now it was just an obstinate red
beacon, bathing me in its light. I was an arm’s length away from the door when
I felt prickling hot breath behind my right ear. The lights went out, and the
train slammed to a stop. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Century Gothic"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">The sudden change in motion caused me
to fly forward at an unforgiving speed. I hit my shoulder and the side of my
face on the metal cabin wall. A warmth flowed down my face, and I knew I was
bleeding from the impact. I could only embrace the next few moments that
happened since I had no control of my body or my conscious mind. The red
spinning light of the alarm was going in several directions, but it appeared to
be up, then down, and then it spun backward and grew brighter. I saw other
flashes of things like metal, glass, and my boots over my head, and my hands
hitting my face, and then my body slamming into a train seat. Then I was above
everything, and then I was next to the window. The car was rolling, and I was a
ragdoll suspended in time. There was a loud crack, and I felt a pinch in my
chest close to my heart. My ribs were clawing at my lungs, and cutting up my
insides. I felt the cold chill I had before, along with warmth inside my body
that I had not experienced. I was internally bleeding, and being thrown around
the cabin of locomotive. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Century Gothic"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">It all stopped, and I wheezed in the
darkness of this experience. I could feel my lungs filling up with fluid, as I
lay arched over the back of a bench. The train was upright, but it was no
longer moving. Moonlight spilled into the car, and I could hear the cold biting
wind from the Appalachians. My body was cold, but my blood was warm as it
pooled onto my face, and out of my flesh. I was dying. I was dying alone in a
train that was supposed to be taking me to a funeral. One of my eyes was
swollen shut, but I could still see out of the other. I looked all around me,
trying to get my bearings. I could tell that my body was folded awkwardly
across the bench. My chin was in my chest, and my legs were out of my line of
sight. Perhaps my back was broken, and I was paralyzed. All I felt was cold
when I tried to move my toes inside of my grandfather’s boots. The wheezing of
my breath began to slow, and I could feel the last bits of my life leaving my
body.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Century Gothic"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Then I saw her face. I was sure I saw
it in my mind first, but then I saw it with the one good eye I still had left
to use. The old woman… She was floating over me, or appeared to be. She was
just smiling, and looking at me with her wisps of curly white hair and blank
expression. I was relieved, but internally terrified of her as her face slowly
crept closer to mine. Her smile never dissipated, and her eyes grew softer as
she came nearer to me. I felt pins and needles all through my body, and then I
felt popping and more warmth spread across my chest. I was no longer breathing
physical air. My lungs had collapsed, and I was incapable of taking the vital
oxygen I needed. The old woman was above me, and she put her cheek against my
face. My heart grew cold, and my mind raced to moments of my life with my
grandmother. If I could have smiled I would have, but my face was pallid and
frozen. It was in this lapse of time that I knew I was to meet my end, and the
old woman was the comfort of death carrying me away. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Century Gothic"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Death moved her face over my lips and
drew in a deep breath. The cold went away, and all of the memories faded with
it. This is the bliss of atonement. There were no broken bones and swollen
eyes. I could not feel the terror or the pain from what I had experienced any
more. As she took in more air over my mouth, I felt myself being released from
the shell my spirit was housed in. Weightless. Formless. Ethereal. I could
still feel my heart, but could find no physical trace of it. My conscious mind
was alert and expanding, but there was no skull for it to be encased in. I was
evolving into the beyond, and the eyes of death said without words,” This is
why you are here.” <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Century Gothic"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Snapping awake to the electronic voice
proclaiming, “You have arrived in Moncton” I sleepily rubbed my eyes and looked
over to the empty seat next to me. In it, folded neatly was the knitted scarf
of the old woman. My eyes looked forward to her seat, but she was not there.
Reaching over, I touched the fibers, and ran my fingers over it and smiled. I
collected my belongings around me, and waiting outside the train for my luggage
with the other passengers. I remembered some of their faces, but realized it
was odd to recognize them, because I had never actually looked at them while I
was awake. My thoughts shifted to the journey I still had ahead of me. I took a
deep breath, closed my eyes, cleared my mind, and acknowledged the experience
in my heart. I had been through hell and back. I wasn’t going to let a bad
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own…This is why you are all here. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Century Gothic"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">To live. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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zachariahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09609952899802742758noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6929287958099659795.post-69855536817254667022014-08-03T21:31:00.002-07:002014-08-03T21:31:37.284-07:00To Love Me<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">If I found someone who loved me.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">I'd make them love me better.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">They'd tell of past loved ones.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">"I wish you would have met her."</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">If I found someone who needed me.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">They wouldn't need me all the time.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">For absence makes the heart grow fond.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">But, co-dependence goes over the line.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">If I found someone who respected me.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">My name would be a household item.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">They'd shun people for badmouthing me.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">In fact, we both wouldn't like them.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">If I found someone who loved me.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">If I found someone who needed me.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">If I found someone who respected me.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">Then I wouldn't know what I need now.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">-z-</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">(I value the journey I have gone through, and I would never change a thing)</span></div>
zachariahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09609952899802742758noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6929287958099659795.post-5209776665713259552013-01-14T15:14:00.000-08:002013-01-14T15:14:01.900-08:00W o W o W o W<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 12px; line-height: 15px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">When something is <b>UNbelieveable...</b></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 12px; line-height: 15px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><b><br /></b></span></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 12px; line-height: 15px;"><span style="border-bottom-width: 0px; border-color: initial; border-left-width: 0px; border-right-width: 0px; border-style: initial; border-top-width: 0px; font-size: 12px; font: inherit; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">When I'm not able to <b>believe</b> how <b>UNbelievably</b> UNbe<u>lievable</u></span></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 12px; line-height: 15px;"><span style="border-bottom-width: 0px; border-color: initial; border-left-width: 0px; border-right-width: 0px; border-style: initial; border-top-width: 0px; font-size: 12px; font: inherit; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><u><br /></u></span></span></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 12px; line-height: 15px;"><span style="border-bottom-width: 0px; border-color: initial; border-left-width: 0px; border-right-width: 0px; border-style: initial; border-top-width: 0px; font-size: 12px; font: inherit; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">That YOU Be <b>Lieve</b> you could not be <b>leaveable</b></span></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 15px;"><span style="border-bottom-width: 0px; border-color: initial; border-left-width: 0px; border-right-width: 0px; border-style: initial; border-top-width: 0px; font-size: 12px; font: inherit; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><br /></span></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 12px; line-height: 15px;"><span style="border-bottom-width: 0px; border-color: initial; border-left-width: 0px; border-right-width: 0px; border-style: initial; border-top-width: 0px; font-size: 12px; font: inherit; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">That's when I have to say:</span></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 15px;"><span style="border-bottom-width: 0px; border-color: initial; border-left-width: 0px; border-right-width: 0px; border-style: initial; border-top-width: 0px; font-size: 12px; font: inherit; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><i><br /></i></span></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 12px; line-height: 15px;"><span style="border-bottom-width: 0px; border-color: initial; border-left-width: 0px; border-right-width: 0px; border-style: initial; border-top-width: 0px; font-size: 12px; font: inherit; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">WOW</span></i></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 12px; line-height: 15px;"><span style="border-bottom-width: 0px; border-color: initial; border-left-width: 0px; border-right-width: 0px; border-style: initial; border-top-width: 0px; font-size: 12px; font: inherit; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">W o W</span></i></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 12px; line-height: 15px;"><span style="border-bottom-width: 0px; border-color: initial; border-left-width: 0px; border-right-width: 0px; border-style: initial; border-top-width: 0px; font-size: 12px; font: inherit; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">W O w...</span></i></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 15px;"><span style="border-bottom-width: 0px; border-color: initial; border-left-width: 0px; border-right-width: 0px; border-style: initial; border-top-width: 0px; font-size: 12px; font: inherit; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><br /></span></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 15px;"><span style="border-bottom-width: 0px; border-color: initial; border-left-width: 0px; border-right-width: 0px; border-style: initial; border-top-width: 0px; font-size: 12px; font: inherit; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><br /></span></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 15px;">-------------------------------------------------------------------</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 15px;"><br /></span></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 15px;">Life has reached a transition of opposition and motion.</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 15px;"><br /></span></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 15px;">The gears are shifting and the seams are cracking.</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 15px;"><br /></span></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 15px;">The steam is pouring into the vents and I'm they're suffocating.</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 15px;"><br /></span></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 15px;">It's a waterfall death. A pinnacle high end of low. The lowest of low.</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 15px;"><br /></span></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 15px;">It's like you have to look up to see hell...</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 15px;"><br /></span></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 15px;"><br /></span></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 15px;">Wow.</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 15px;"><br /></span></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 15px;">------------------------------------------------------------------</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 15px;"><br /></span></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 15px;"><br /></span></span></div>
zachariahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09609952899802742758noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6929287958099659795.post-5371295781780624332012-11-24T22:12:00.000-08:002012-11-24T22:12:04.143-08:00Try<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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I watched the live performance of this song and was hit by the presentation.<br />
The lyrics.<br />
The devotion to the idea.<br />
<br />
Felt like singing it myself.<br />
<br />
-z-</div>
zachariahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09609952899802742758noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6929287958099659795.post-923677422879401302012-11-19T15:52:00.000-08:002012-11-19T15:52:01.689-08:00Smitten<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
A poem I wrote in 2003:<br />
<br />
<br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 11px;">he says there's a love, that never dies.<br />it changes who he's been.<br />who he was, and therein lies,<br />the tragedy he lends.<br /><br />'God will save your weary soul.<br />he's there to ease the pain.'<br />no sanctity will make me whole.<br />or put aside my shame.<br /><br />for if this God, who loves me so.<br />and hates me all the same.<br />is ever right, and will always know.<br />i cannot speak his name.<br /><br />'i am the truth, the way and the life.'<br />oh God i cannot feel.<br />for this grieving heart, is dying too.<br />and you were never real.<br /><br />'He shed his blood,a nd died for you.<br />so you will flee from hell.'<br />and i know i could, if i wanted to.<br />i'm dying just as well.<br /><br />oh God, dear God, the one on high.<br />who forgets me all the same.<br />i am too proud, to never lie.<br />and let jesus fill my veins.<br /><br />so cast me out, from heaven's book.<br />where my name once was written.<br />i have no doubt, that if you look.<br />the devil and i are smitten.<br /><br />it is written, so it is written.<br />the sinner is me is smitten.<br /><br />infactuated with living a lie.<br />for no truth in me is found.<br />no truth to be, blatent honesty.<br />i die.<br />i lay around.<br />i lose myself, in losing him.<br />the one who made me whole.<br />i lose my health, my future dim.<br />the devil heals my soul...</span></div>
zachariahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09609952899802742758noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6929287958099659795.post-61777375285867560532012-11-19T14:02:00.000-08:002012-11-19T14:02:03.597-08:00<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Auditioning for THE VOICE in february.<br />
<br />
Daily yoga/jogging routine.<br />
<br />
Practicing new songs on the guitar.<br />
<br />
Going to buy a nice keyboard for xmas possibly.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
I have become completely isolated from my east coast life.<br />
<br />
Everyone has moved or is leaving where I once lived as well.<br />
<br />
<br />
Not in contact with any of my family, except a distant uncle in Florida.<br />
<br />
Turning 27 in February of 2013...<br />
<br />
<br />
Where am I?<br />
<br />
<br /></div>
zachariahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09609952899802742758noreply@blogger.com0